I am not one for awkward silence so let’s skip this small talk… cut the BS  and jump right in.    So here we go…. no drum roll… no hype… no bright lights and cut the music.  Deep breath…   Kels Belle’s words of wisdom … they may just be what you’re looking for.  Here we go……  LIFE’S NOT FAIR.  That’s it.  That’s all I got.  Those three words are sure to give you the answers you seek when in
reality there are just none to find.   I used to refuse to watch movies that didn’t have a happy ending.   I guess the naive, happy go lucky stupid make believe girl in me secretly thought that there was a happily ever after following every long day.  Right…. lol.

Now I am not going to sit here and take the wind out of your sails…   So here is your disclaimer… glimmer of hope if you will ….  “there is a lot of good if you take the time to look around and appreciate it.”  But today we are keeping it real and going down the road of: life is a B####  and then you die.  If you play with fire (aka the crazies EVERYONE warned you about) you will be burned.

The only unknown is how much pain you will endure before you get the heck out of dodge and run.  So here is my advice…. no four leaf clover, crossed fingers, wishes throw into a well or shooting star will ever save you.  Forest Gump said it best “stupid is as stupid does.”   The nice guy finishes last, the cheater usually wins and mean girls really do think they are popular.

 

But there is something you can do… don’t be someone’s scapegoat.   Don’t make someone’s problem your own… don’t waste time with one bad apple… cut off the entire branch  to save the tree.   If you fight someone small you will only get smaller.  I am a big advocate for not talking subliminally.  I despise words like passive aggressive, personal vendettas, harboring bad feelings and entertaining ugly.  So please excuse me while I am completely hypocritical but sometimes you just have to say what you want to say and let your words just come out.  So here  I sit still typing.

I am pretty calculated when it comes to making myself vulnerable.  At least I would like to think that I am.  But when you get conned you get conned.  And I had front row seats to my very own show.  It’s important to always give the proper credit.  So I guess a standing ovation is due.  Toshay.   There are a couple things in life I despise.  Always have… always will.  I hate being falsely accused.  I hate bad feelings.  I hate private crap going public…. and so does everyone else… so while you stand on you woe is me soapbox the rest of the rest of the world is throwing up in their mouth as they pretend to listen.

My Mom has taught me many valuable lessons throughout my life but perhaps one of the best lessons of all is to never put anything in writing that you don’t want etched in stone for the world to see.  We all make crazy mistakes… that’s called being human.  And me… I pretty much take the cake.  But when the pen hits the paper…the e-mail is written or the text is sent your moment of weakness is no longer a moment in time but a chapter in history.  You will be convicted by your own stupidity.

So anyways… I trusted… really trusted someone.  Opened up my heart, exposed my family and took a chance.  A gamble of a lifetime.  Made myself crazy vulnerable.  Gave everything I had and then some… for what…. I wish I could say nothing.  We all place bets and it’s impossible to always win.  The odds were stacked against me… but I lost more than a bet.  I lost a piece of my heart.  There was nothing I could have ever done to prepared myself for the absolute train wreck that lied ahead.   If only life was like baseball… 3 strikes and I would have been out.  But not this girl… me and my stupidity kept coming back for more.

So do I need to defend myself… no… it was my fault for even going there… the writing was on the wall.   Something in me wanted to help… now the only one who needs help is me.  I need to get out of my own nightmare.   Somehow a deserted desert is sounding pretty appealing right about now.     As for this rant… let’s just call it the beginning, middle and end to me ever defending myself against this crazy again.  The truth is like a lion… let it free and it will defend itself.  No need to clear my name… the best prediction of the future is the past and history has a way of repeating itself.   

Silence is truth when there is nothing to defend.  Go sell crazy somewhere else.  This girl right here already got burned and I have the scars to prove it.  But after a deep wound heals… the scar  slowly forms and mends the body.  Not only does it heal the wound but the skin is stronger than before.  So me… I have my happily ever after afterall..  their names are Tyler, Carter, my sisters, Mom  and some pretty amazing friends.   And I will never light that match again.   They say just because you have one bad apple you should never give up on the tree.  LOL… OH NO… not this girl… not only will I be giving up on the tree but I will be torching the entire orchard… and I won’t even stick around to watch it burn.  Fool me once… shame on you…. fool me 1,334,333 times…. shame on me.  So will I play with fire again no… listening to everyone who tried to save me… yes.  No good deed goes unpunished… and fool’s gold is just that…. made for a fool.

Sometimes I catch myself in a daydream .. it’s always the same one… it starts with me climbing to the top of Mt Everest… not a soul in site… and I don’t care… if fact I may secretly embrace it.  As I begin my quest the blistering heat starts beating down and balls of sweat slowly roll down my back.  I have not water but I am not concerned so I start to climb.

It’s silent the only sound is the crackle of the dirt and rocks falling at my feet but soon even that  is drowned out by the beat of my racing heart.   Soon I arrive at the top and I am over looking the world.  God’s country is at my feet….  I have arrived.   Before I can catch my breath  I begin screaming out at the top of my lungs.  Rage overtakes my entire body.. and my silent voice becomes a fierce roar.   My cries reachscreams bounce off all ends of the earth and I hear my screams begin to echo.  My words are unfiltered… raw and full of every shortfall, heartache, silent cry, tear drenched pillow, unsent letters home, phone calls I never made, hurt that I pushed away and unheard prayers I never even whispered.   My pleas fall upon the innocent wildlife and winding creeks below.

I would say everything I have ever wanted to say  but never did.  My life plays in front of me and there is nothing I can do to stop my screams.   The pain, hurt and fear overtake me and I am not in control.    And then it ends.

So in my daydream… wish I could say I climb down… learn from my mistakes and conquer the world but not this time.  It just ends there… so I guess this is where the daydream becomes my real life and I finally  control of it.   We all have 24 hours in the day.  What we make of them is the entire difference.  It’s the difference between being successful and always wondering what if.  The difference between being a bad friend and being  “THE FRIEND” ….  The difference between being a runner and taking the bull by the horns.  We all have different trials.  We all have different mountains to climb and crazy, unfortunate, devastating things to overcome.

The great Dalai Lama said “Don’t let someone else’s misbehavior affect your peace of mind”.   Nice… where was that when I needed it.  Peace of mind…. if only that was all I lost….  I lost a piece of myself and it was my fault for partaking of the forbidden fruit.

Not shrinking is more important than surviving.  If you don’t stand for something than you stand for nothing at all.   The end.

Full Disclosure:  I have no idea if temples have anything to do with the Great Dalia Lama…  I liked the pics so I just went with it.   I actually took a selfie photo shoot of my crappy… I cried today and I am self.  (Those pictures come in handy and fake pictures don’t cut it). I am still mad I didn’t buy the sweatshirt that says to keep your enemies closes.  I am currently off the grid… all this means is I am done playing  the game of life so I quietly disappear.  I have posted, deleted and reposted this blog…. I didn’t what to write this blog because I didn’t want to admit that I was wrong… I got played and is sucks.  So I flipped a coin… heads don’t post…. tails… post.  They say tails never fails. 😉