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The Little Kelsey that could…

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I am a runner.  I run fast.  I run hard.  I have always run… always have and hopefully someday finally am brave enough to hang up my Nikes  and never look back on a world I loved, feared, gave my whole heart to, lived,laughed, l may have even  cried and allowed “it” to get the best out of me… you know a cheap shot to the gut that leaves you gasping for air and still unsure what even happened.  My running is anything but calculated.   It is unpredictable.  It is scientifically impossible to track, predict and there is no such thingsas an educated guess when me and my mad, ferocious running skills are in the mix.   You can’t stop me.   I have dedicated a good portion of my life to putting this little habit to rest.   I never know when I am going to run.  My running reeks of spontaneity.    I run with little or no notice to the world… to my boys or even to myself.  It’s your standard now you see me… now you don’t.  Sadly there may even be a handful of innocent victims have been lost in my wake. 

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I know I have lost you.  So sit back… relax and allow me to bring you back into my so called life.  Runner is not verb he is a noun…. so without any further adou let me properly introduce my good friend Runner.   Runner is the gate keeper of my heart.  He only steps in when I can no longer breath.  He justifies my inability to deal with hard things.  He protects me from myself.  He is my best friend, worst enemy and and crazy annoying fly that somehow will never just “fly” away.  I know… that was a pretty dang good one, right!   Runner is my fire alarm…. he quietly sits back until there is DANGER.  When Runner sounds this high pitched, blood curdling  alarm  I get it… stop…drop…roll… or just maybe walk away slowly with style and class,,, never looking back…. never.   So when runner hits the bell  I do what any typical, crazy, cloudy with a chance of hurricane, predictably unpredictable beautiful sunset all in girl like myself would do….. drum roll please……. I RUN!  

So lets break it down because I am certain we all have a little run in us.  And if you are lucky enough to not have Run in your life then I am certain you know at least one his good friends Passive Aggressive,  Grudge Holder, Playing Victim, Whole “lotta” Drama, Miss. Mean Girl, Mr. Play Dumb just to name a few.  And if you are lucky enough to still not know any of them then l want to play in your make believe fairy tale world too!  Because we all want the same thing.  We want to love, be loved, be ridiculously amazing at everything we do, never let people down, never make mistakes, never have moments of weakness

I’m a whole lot of not perfect… but my intentions while not always perfectly executed, they are pure.  We all want a break.  We all need mercy and we all seek acceptance.  So here is the part were I ramble on about being misunderstood.  LOL…  Bet you didn’t see that coming. IMG_2957IMG_2959

So I had everything figured out.  I would do my best at everything.  Try my hardest to be kind to everyone and try to make the world a little better than I found it.  Now don’t go thinking I am lost in my own fairy tale… please note that I DID say that I try my hardest.  Doesn’t mean I don’t pull out the occasional attack cat, momma bear, and just plan old crappy friend… I just really try hard to be me best self.

Now back to my friend Runner…  when things go wrong; ie: I am misunderstood, misread, I screw up, make a mistake, act impulsively, get falsely judged or innocently get framed, don’t understand the facts before acting, innocently get pulled into someone else’s crazy….. I RUN! I give 100% until I don’t….  there is some magic number that I haven’t quite narrowed down yet that allows me to DELETE my “problem”.  It’s like parachuting… once you have successfully evacuated the plan you don’t look up.  Your only concern is the immediate obstacle in front of you called the pull cord to the parachute and the ground fastly emerging.  When RUN is successful the “it” never existed.

Until one day all that changed…. I really screwed up.  I was given an incredible opportunity and I blew it.  My intentions were pure, a misunderstanding was involved but mostly I just screwed up.  My actions said it wasn’t important… even though in my heart it truly was.  The Run sounded the alarm and I pulled the trigger.  3…2….1….. take off…. but this time was not like all of the countless times before….  in fact it was so different I will forever be changed.  It has made such a strong impression on me  that I may not run quite so much… in fact I will run less because in a screwed up I can’t explain it kinda way it sorta felt good to pull the trigger…. watch the explosion and realize that although the consequences to my actions hurt… caused unnecessary panic, complete anxiety and a million other crappy things that are associated with letting people down and failing  wasn’t worth running from.

If I had run…. and trust me I tried…. MANY TIMES I wouldn’t have learned that not everything is worth giving up on….. including myself.  Had my “friend” allowed to do what I desperately tried with all my might to accomplish (RUN)  my “ever after”…. at least my current life would currently not be half as fulfilling and accomplishing as it is.  My “friend” although mad… and don’t be fooled… he was mad, even invoked the silent treatment for a bit ya really mad at me didn’t allow “his” temporary emotions to override his vision…. his vision for me!  He had faith in me…. he hadn’t even heard MY PART OF THE STORY WHICH DID CLEAR UP A BIT OF THE CONFUSION… but not all of it my friends… because half the battle is admitting your mistakes and of there is one thing this sunset with a splash of hurricane has learned… it’s to own it!  I make so many mistakes I have learned when I provide full disclosure and admit all fault the pain goes away faster and the rainbow follows closer behind the slorm.  Because there is good in everything… sometimes you have to get a magnifying glass to appreciate the lesson although painful and unwanted…

So the moral of the story is… Running may fix a temporary problem but it is like lighting a match and not sticking around to watch it burn.  Sometimes the match burns out instantly and you missed out on something great… other times it may burn an important bridge down that you will certainly need to travel in the future…. but here’s the deal… if you don’t stay to watch you will never know… and knowing my friends is half the battle.  Give people a chance to see something in you that you may not even know is there.

The END.

*”friend”…. names have been changed to protect the kinda innocent people in this story if there are any!  🙂

FULL DISCLAIMER: Don’t set me up to fail.  You can take a horse to water but you can’t force him to drink.  Make those around you better.  Help others, be helped.  Yesterday I c;eaned my house for 2 hours so it was ready for my cleaning lady to come…. yea thats right… I am the dumb and care what she thinks.  Then I pretend it ‘s dirty still.

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Disclaimer: I almost left out the word ridiculously.  Seven failed attempts will do this to a person.   Spell check couldn’t even clean up my mess.    I went to home depot last week and the lighting salesman was so excited to sell me two lights on sale that I HATED them, bought them and returned them the next day…. at least I think I returned them… if not they are in my garage and will remain there for probably ever.  AGH… my life!  Crazy and I LOVE IT!    DON’T TELL ME NOT TO FLY…. I’VE SIMPLY GOT TO!

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