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Pants on Fire!

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Liar Liar Pants on Fire… Actually they really were on fire but I am getting ahead of myself now.  So let me start from the beginning.  It was just a day like any other day.  Nothing new… no new adventures… no out of the ordinary disasters so to speak of.  When your life is more entertaining than a reality show you get the pleasure of not having much stand out.  So here  goes nothing… As I previously stated it was a day… just an ordinary day…. just me and my girl Christie and the “Flip.”  Oh yes… the flip.  Someday when I learn to stay on topic and prioritize my life I plan on writing a book.  It will NOT be entitled:  Flippin Disaster or Everything I Learned I Learned at the Flip.  My sister… who is much smarter than me told me those are horrible titles so I am back to the drawing board.  But it will be my attempt to contribute something of purpose to the world.  I can’t think of a better way to do this than to compile my daily screw ups… who knows… maybe someone will learn from my endless mistakes or at least feel a little better about themselves because I can promise no matter how catastrophic the disaster… missight… mistake… or any other word that describes a daily disaster I have been there.. done that… and probably forgotten it so I will certainly repeat it again in the near future.  If all else fails my day dream book will at least be entertaining.    Focus… Kelsey… FOCUS!

We were driving to the flip and Christie (biggest heart but she’s not afraid to command results).  But hey… you can’t fault a girl for knowing what she wants and ensuring that she gets it.  So here is a 4 sentence background on my girl Christie.  She is amazing… she will do anything for anyone.  She cooks dinner for everyone, will stop the world if you need something and see’s the good in everyone with no judging attached.  She never draws attention to her acts of selfless service and does it for all the right reasons.  She actually cooks the Lyons Den a meal every week so Ty and Baby Lyon get at least one home cooked meal a week.  Yes… she is that amazing.  She is confident (she will deny this)… strong and just lives her life… the way she wants not worrying about what anyone else thinks. Having said all of that….  she is crazy! Almost as crazy as me.  Together we could write a series of books.  One entire book could be about the crazy predicaments we get  ourselves in. Another best seller would be the crazy #### she yells at me!  One of her go to’s is “I will punch you in the eye!”  Here is another keeper that I almost can’t even get myself to type do to the graphic… very explicit nature of the “Christie “ism”…    When she is extremely proud of herself or saves the day she often says ” your are going to have to lick my pee”. She is one of a kind but I wouldn’t trade her for all the money in the world.  She is perfect for me.  She’s a definite keeper.

IMG_6870Anyways… here we go.  We were driving to the flip and I was slowing down for the almost solid red light.  With no warning I hear her softly scream 11 inches from my ear “YOU BETTER NOT MISS THIS LIGHT!”  So I did what any good friend would do… hit the gas.  The increase in speed a sharp turn sent my monster drink flying.  Thankfully for my car it landed almost 100% on her.  I was only able to find 2 napkins and found traces of drops in my cup holder so I again did the right thing and used them to ensure my car was totally cleaned up.  Shortly after we arrived at the flip.  My conscience was getting the best of me after I noticed that here pants were so wet that she was forced to walk around pantless.  I gathered her wet pants and put them on the work light so they would dry.  Now before you get feeling too bad for Christie… she is pretty quick to remove items of clothing.  This is not an isolated incident.  If it’s too hot… they get wet… too cold… or just because she will shed off the threads that the rest of the world values as clothing.  But in this case and because of the cold temperature my heart went out to her… a little.

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I decided my good deed would not stop there.  I offered her one of her sweatshirts I had found in the garage to tie around her waist to offer a bit of warmth.  And true to my colors I again went above and beyond.  I am known to give offerings… aka gifts that range from incredibly small to large depending upon the depth of my latest screw up or oversight.   I am going to have to remember oversight… I like that one.  It’s makes me sound so innocent.  Back to the offering… I decided to also pop her some popcorn.  She can never turn down good old Orville Redenbacher.  🙂  Just as the kernels started popping I heard a loud shriek… you know the one.  KELSEY!!!!!!  And then my microwave stopped.  I quickly ran upstairs and examined the damage… it was the pants.  But I have to admit the potent smell gave it away long before I arrived at the scene of the crime.  Apparently my little idea of the light was so efficient that I caught her pants on fire.  And it wasn’t even the wet spot.  The crotch of the pants were missing ensuring that they would never be worn again.

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Several minutes later I handed her my popcorn offering.  The bag was hot and full.  I knew this minimize the damages.  Just as she opened the back the air depleted and she quietly handed the bag back to me.  I took a lookey lou and there were no more than 15-19 popped kernels.  Apparently when the power shorted out for the house all progress had stopped on my popcorn as well.  I was willing to stick out the smoke smell due to the cold temperatures outside but thankfully the thick smoke was more than Christie could bare also so she choose to freeze with no pants and opened the window to allow fresh air to crowd out the smoke.

We went about our day as usual and somewhere between lunch (which we never actually take) and wrap up time the smoke in the house cleared and all was well in the universe.  As for the pants… they were not as fortunate.  The damage was done and not even my fearless free spirited Christie was willing to rock those bad boys.

I could lie and say this was a crazy day for me.  But it was nothing out of the ordinary. Remember I told you… my life is way more exciting than a reality show.   You don’t get to be called a sunset with a splash of hurricane if you offer any shred of normalcy in your life. Never a  quiet, dull, ordinary, calm moment at the Lyon’s Den… promice!  Until we meet again…  I am out!  Keep it real people.  Life your life it it will live you.

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THE TAKE AWAY- Enjoy your life… Every last moment.  Surround yourself with people who love you.  You know the ones… the peeps who see the good in you no matter how many times you doubt yourself or mess things up.  Don’t limit yourself to the standard 12 pack of crayons when there is a 72 pack of Crayolas that comes with a built in (useless) crayon sharpener on the back.   Meet new people… make new friends.  Keep the ones you like and silently delete the ones you don’t.  We all don’t beat to the same drum… opposites attract and some people are just pretty boring.  Don’t limit yourself to just bright colors… pastels and metallics are pretty cool too.

FULL DISCLOSURE- In this blog absolutely nothing and I mean nothing  was staged… exaggerated or dramatized… when you combine Christie and I there is never a dull moment.  It is physically impossible to describe how incredibly funny Christie is…. she’s so legit you can’t write her amazing down… words don’t even put a dent in her personality.  I often have to ensure the general public that despite her very public outbreaks and yelling at me that we are indeed great friends and she actually does love me. This helps avoid any chance of someone calling the proper authorities  for disturbing the peace or public acts of violence.  Despite the 135,234,589 documented violent threats… remember the one about her punching someone’s eye out… she has yet to actually punch someone… at least I think.  I will have to double check with Steven on that one.  But I can testify her amazing children do all infact have two eyes each…. at least for now.  🙂 The “flip” is always crazy cold or crazy hot.  She doesn’t believe in this really great new invention called AC or heat. She honestly sees it as a waste of money.  I am almost certain that she only used the heat in her incredibly gorgeous home less than 7 times all winter.  When I go over there I wear Uggs, grab one of her warm blankets and cuddle up next to the fire. Thankfully Steven’s domain is the sunroom and he  always has cozy fire burning.

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Update:  I am no longer even pretending to read  (listen to audio book)  my book called “Quiet”… I have moved on to “The Best Yes”… I am somewhat skeptically devoted to the idea this one will finally solve my daily disasters and offer a bit of world peace along the way… or at least free up some time in my crazy fast paced chaotic, frenzy filled nothing out of the ordinary normal days.   We will see but I am not holding my breath.  I am a “work in progress” with a whole lot more work than progress.    My Flip is almost done… but not the pretend almost done that makes me feel like I am making progress but the real almost done like it will be listed next week “ish”.   I get pretty attached to my flips.  I leave a piece of my heart, imagination and quiet thoughts in everyone of them.  Although I day dream about getting my life back once it’s done… I lay quietly in the shadows anxiously awaiting my new one.  It’s like a hunt… I never know when or where I will find it… but when I do swear it speaks to me.

Take Away/Disclaimer:  Please note that the names have been changed to protect the innocent or in “Christine’s case the very guilty.   Until next time…. keep it real.  Live your life or it will live you…. and we all know everyone looks better in the driver’s seat… it’s so much cooler than being the passenger.  Call your own shots people.    DRIVE IN YOUR OWN LANE AND NEVER DOUBT WHO YOU ARE… own it… my girl Christie sure does!  oxoxo

 

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